7 Dating Resolutions for 2017

We are less than a month away from New Years’ Eve and 2017.  This is often a chance for us to reflect upon what we have learned and what we would like to create going forward.  Many people write out their resolutions but they may not focus in on one area.  If you really want to attract your soul mate in 2017 why not create a series of things you will do to make that relationship more likely to happen.  Here are 7 resolutions I came up with for you (as a psychologist and long-time dating coach) but feel free to amend any and to add ones that are specific to you.

  1. Take Action: Do not just sit home in your jammies waiting for your soulmate to ring your doorbell. Get out there and do the work.  Resolve to join two dating sites (one paid and one free one) and write ten dates a week.  Go to singles events and make a weekly plan of action to meet singles.
  2. Let Go of What Holds You Back: Our past relationship baggage and the limiting beliefs we have about the opposite sex, dating and relationships can hold us back. It is time to clean house.  Write a list of those limiting beliefs and challenge them.  For example, if your limiting belief is, ‘No men want to marry a woman over 35,’ then think of a woman you know who married at 36 +. Think of examples to challenge your old beliefs so that you know what you want is possible.  If a man cheated on you, don’t say, ‘All men are cheaters.’  Instead say, ‘I learned that I want a loyal honest man from that experience and there are men like that out there for me.’
  3. Have a Clear Vision: Create a vision board of the relationship that you DO want. Put up pictures that illustrate the life you want and create a list of the 5-7 essential qualities you want in your mate so that you are clear what you are seeking.
  4. Know Your Worth: Make a list of 20 things that make you a great catch and remember them instead of comparing yourself to women that you feel are more beautiful etcetera.  If you radiate confidence and self-love it will attract others to feel the same way about you.
  5. fireworks-heart-misc-iphone-ipad_729612Reach Out: Make efforts to widen your circles and go outside your comfort zone. Meet new people and let them know that you are looking to meet your soulmate.  Ask folks to set you up.  Go to parties and events, even if you don’t know anyone.  You may meet a great person that way.
  6. Have Great Self Care and Self-Love: Everything you create begins with you, your energy and attractor field.  So, if you give yourself love and good self-care you will feel happier and more relaxed.  You will have energy and love to spare after regularly refueling.  If you speak to yourself lovingly than others will see that you like yourself and you will be less critical of yourself and others when dating.
  7. Be Generous: The holidays are a time for giving.  The more you give love, the more it returns to you.  So, think of creative ways to expand your heart this season.  Perhaps you can volunteer at a nursing home or soup kitchen.  You will feel good about yourself and may even meet some like-minded volunteers.  You can also be generous with your gifts.  If you can sing or draw, volunteer to do so at a nursing home or somewhere it will benefit others.  When you’re doing what you love, you are most attractive and you never know who will walk by and notice.

I wish you a Happy Holiday and much love!

Paulette

This Year Give The Gift Of You!

You are your best Christmas gift to yourself!

One of the most significant tenets I teach, is that everything that comes TO you comes FROM you. If you are lonely, sad, desperate, then that is what is going to come back to you. If you are solid, relaxed, welcoming, woman-relaxing-chair-front-christmas-tree-28045680and happy, then that is also what you will attract and invite into your life.

It is a CHOICE that you make.

Understanding this concept can be difficult (I know it was for me) especially around the holidays. This is the time for family, friends, and loved ones to be by your side and wishing you all the joyous happiness of the season.

But what if you are not fortunate enough to have all of these people at you side? What if you are intolerably and terribly ALONE?!? What then?

Being single around the holidays can be off putting to say the least. It can be downright depressing and thoughts of despair can take over. You wonder if this is to be your future. Crying in a corner surrounded by empty Schnapps bottles (a truly poor choice) watching ridiculous reality shows until you simply shrivel up and die.

Is that what you want? I believe the answer to that is a resounding “NO!”

I have been in this predicament my friend. I was alone for many a holiday season after a terrible divorce that left me shriveled and sad. It took me awhile to come to grips with what it all meant. Once I figured out that wallowing in self pity wasn’t attracting me the women I wanted into my life, I decided to try something else.

I set out to fix ME! I decided was time to find out what I was doing wrong and turn it around. To become the best MAN I could be and conquer this loneliness specter once and for all.

I read books, I watched films, I took classes and trained in various forms of self help and mind expanding therapies. I studied the dating gurus, and positive thinkers of all stripes. If it sounded weird and woo woo, I would still give it a shot. I was truly OPEN to anything that would make me feel better.

After all my searching and study, I discovered one very important thing. I had all the tools I needed to become a strong and confident MAN within me. I just hadn’t known how to use them.

(Note: I write this directed mainly towards men as that is my primary audience, but the principals are universal and will work for you regardless of your orientation.)

Once you stop being a victim of the world and DECIDE you are now in control of your destiny and happiness, you will find a serenity that you have not known before. You will absolutely know that everything will be alright, regardless of outcomes.

By this I mean that, the world will throw shit at you from all sides. That is just reality. It is up to you what will stick to you and what will bounce right off of you.

The more that bounces off of you, the happier you will be.

Prime example. You are alone for the Christmas season. Going to a friend’s house just doesn’t seem appealing to you right now. It is a reminder of what you once had and maybe it is too soon for you to get festive. It may be a very sad time and you don’t feel like verging on tears from loss the whole time. Not the most appealing yuletide facade. I have definitely been there.

Or you may not feel particularly sad and lonely. Maybe you are in a place that I can only call Numblandia. You don’t really feel anything really. I was there for quite awhile as well. It can be a perilous time.

Regardless of where you are on the emotional wheel of fortune, take comfort in knowing that YOU are in control. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to wail and moan, do it in a pillow. Trust me, neighbors will call the cops…

But once that emotional release is over. Get to work on an actual plan to change your life for the better. Don’t wait for a New Year’s resolution. That shit never works. Seriously, which one have you ever stuck with?

No, make a real commitment to YOU. Remember the prophetic words of Queen – “I want it all, I want it now!”

This year give yourself the gift of learning how to use your innate tools to grow a better YOU!

Start by treating yourself well this year. Take yourself out for Christmas. Go to a restaurant you have always wanted to try. Sit at the bar for a Happy Hour and enjoy yourself. Chat up new people from a different perspective. Refuse to talk about sad things. Toast to the new you. Ju10-ways-for-mum-to-relax-at-christmasst be sure to Uber home.

Or stay at home and cook up your very own holiday bird or a big fat juicy steak! Whatever makes you feel that you are celebrating. Because you are! You have made a decision to stop being sad.

Will it happen immediately? Probably not. But it will lessen as you make the decision to stop being sad and lonely. It is like a muscle you are learning to use again after much atrophy.

I remember a huge catalyst in my recovery was taking a road trip up the Pacific Coast Highway from L.A. up to Portland. It was just me. I slept in my car and woke to walk the beaches all along the way. I was not just alone, I was UTTERLY alone. No wifi, no smart phone, just me and the world.

What I learned was that you can be alone but not lonely. When you are open to the world and can actually take the time to see all the beauty that surrounds you, a different perspective comes to mind. You see that your hurt, your loneliness all comes from inside you.

The more you succumb to the pain of solitude the more it will intensify. But the more you see that the world is a friendly loving place, the more you will be okay with whatever supposed pain comes your way.

In the holiday rough patch that so many people can fall prey to, do something different for yourself. Be extraordinary. Be open to possibilities.

Treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one. Because you are loved. You deserve to be loved. By YOU. If you do not love yourself, then who will love you?

Remember, everything that comes TO you comes FROM you. Love yourself and others will to.

This year give yourself the gift of a brand new open and expanding YOU! One that is welcoming, not afraid of solitude and a chance to improve. Celebrate all that you have achieved so far and the promise and possibility of all that you have to offer to the world. So that when a woman finds you, you will be ready for her.

Because, believe me, when you have done the work, have made yourself ready, and SHE comes into your life, it can be one wonderfully awesome and crazy whirlwind of happy!

I am living proof.

Be your gift to you this year. Change your life to one of abundance and happiness, light and laughter. Because there is so much you miss when you are looking down.

A New Perspective on Being Single for the Holidays

The holidays bring out the happiest of couples; snuggling by the fire, wearing silly Christmas sweaters, and spreading Christmas joy. I’ve seen this type of love with my parents and always longed for the day to come when I too would be with someone on the holidays.

I’ve wondered what it would be like to kiss under the mistletoe, exchangelivvyland-blog-olivia-watson-austin-texas-fashion-blogger-kissing-under-mistletoe-holiday-photo-engagement-save-the-date-idea-kayla-snell-photography-villa-del-lago-2 heartfelt presents and listen to Christmas carols while decorating the tree. Six months ago, I met someone who I thought I would experience all of this with and I was excited about the possibility. I finally was going to know what it was like to hold a hand when it gets cold out, or make hot cocoa with, or even make a snowman with when fresh white snow hit the ground.

Our relationship was long distance, but that didn’t stop me from driving miles to see him for only an hour. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about how the drive would be worth it, and how this distance would make our relationship stronger. Since I’m the one with the car, I always planned the trips, putting his ease and comfort before mine. Never did he show his appreciation for my efforts, nor did he try and plan to visit me.

Shortly after playing a romantic Christmas movie love scene in my head, I discovered that my fantasy thoughts covered up the reality of the who he actually was in our relationship. The man with kind-eyes, a heartfelt smile, and a comforting hug ended up being a boy who turned his head the other way when faced with a problem, and avoided to confront me with tears trickling down my red cheeks. I soon began to realize that at first I would have done anything to make sure I saw him, but when no effort was put in on the other side, my perfect Christmas romance with him began to fade.

Lack of problems solved meant conversations with him soon began to feel forced, as if teeth were being pulled just to get a one-word answer. It was either that, or any serious conversation would be masked with a joke.

My once fluttering, excited heart began to beat anxiously. I felt afraid to make conversation for the fear of us fighting again and repeating the same pattern. Would he try to laugh it off or just ignore me when I told him I was shaking in nerves? Never could we talk about holiday plans again.

Friends of mine asked me if I was content. I let out a small smile with a shrug, thinking that would be enough to prove I was doing well. Luckily, the friends I have saw the pool filling up in my eyes, and talked to me for hours trying to figure out what was wrong. For the first time in months, the clouds in my head dissipated and I saw a clear path ahead of me.

Just shy of Thanksgiving, I ended what was left of the disintegrating relationship. I wound up struggling with the thought of confrontation, but breaking it off when I did proved to be the right decision. The intense heart pounding and violent hand shaking was gone. A genuine smile appeared on my face for the first time since I got asked to be his girlfriend.

He made it hard for me to see a future together. I couldn’t even imagine cuddling up on the couch and watching classic Christmas movies anymore. The holidays are supposed to be the most magical and most wonderful time of the year, I wasn’t going to let a failing relationship stop me from enjoying it.

Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean it’s a healthy one. I’ve learned that from first-hand experience, and it made me realize that I don’t need a boyfriend to make me smile, or comfort me when I go through a hard time. If the relationship isn’t making life easier for you, then there’s no point in moving on with it.

That’s why this holiday, I’m grateful for the friends and family that I have. They helped me realize that just because Christmas and New Years can be spent with a significant other, doesn’t mean they have to be. Holidays are supposed to be spent with your loved ones, my family and my friends are those special people in my life.big-teddy-bear-for-valentines-day-10-giant

From my heart yearning to my heart breaking, I learned that there’s nothing wrong with cuddling up with my teddy bear, drinking hot chocolate and watching Netflix by myself if it means I can move on with a positive mindset and a new-found wisdom. For the longest time, I felt as if I’ve missed the experiences of being a couple during the holidays, but I know now that it’s okay to be single during this time of year, and I’m ready for a season full of self-joy.

By Kayla Garritano, Contributor for CupidsPulse.com