The dream of the great love-the soul-mate- often intensifies around the festive season. With more social functions to attend, we seem to see loved up couples at every turn: somewhat like a woman who is trying to conceive just sees pregnant women everywhere. Christmas is a time when those who are lonely, in whatever manner, and for whatever reason, feel that loneliness more intensely. Sadly, this is the season when deaths increase sharply, particularly suicide, and when family breakdown is most likely to occur.

Where we ever got the idea that it’s a season of fun and frivolity, is anyone’s guess!

And those of us on dating sites notice an increase in new members: both the recently single and the suddenly lonely.

Most of them are desperately scrambling to get laid for the festive season or pick up a date for New Year’s Eve. At first glance this influx might be seen as an opportunity: new faces mean an increase in the chance that M/S Right might be amongst them. And a NYE date WOULD be a nice idea…

But beware. The chronically lonely do make good dating or even good sexual, material. And loneliness is not, ironically, a good starting point for finding love or companionship Loneliness in itself is no bad thing: in fac58403d222bfba400551961t it is biologically essential. Recent research in this area has shown this. Humans are the most social of animals. The company of others is vital to survival. Loneliness, like pain, is an indicator; a warning signal. When we feel that which we call loneliness, it is our bodies and brains telling us that we need more of the social company of others of our species. So seeking to alleviate that feeling does not make us pathetic or needy: we are doing what millennia of biological hard-wiring has taught us to do.

The problems occur when we overlay this feeling with cultural narratives. Often, when a single person starts to “feel the feels”, they immediately interpret that as meaning “Find a guy/woman.” “Get into a relationship. “ “Have sex immediately.” Humans are notoriously bad at figuring out what will make them happy.

Sex is particularly troublesome in this regard, as it can feel so instantly comforting. And it can also feel like closeness and intimacy. But we know that, although it CAN be all those things, there is little guarantee. And in the casual arena, it is rarely those things.

I’m certainly not eschewing the casual shag: if you are just horny, or in need of some skin-on- skin, then go get ‘em tiger! No judgements here. Tie some tinsel on it if you like and Merry Christmas to you. Just don’t take the casual, festive shag as being the love of your life. And don’t expect it to assuage your loneliness. We can all get very reactive around the festive season: it hits all kinds of nerves and triggers all manner of old, unpleasant, stuff. It can be difficult to even name our own feelings. So it’s quite understandable that we should grab hold of instant comfort in the form of a date. Sadly, though, the casual hook-up is very likely to make us feel worse in the long-run. It has a come-down just the way alcohol and other drugs do.

So possibly what us lonely singletons need to do this season is to take some space. Although it can feel horridly uncomfortable to sit with bad feelings, this is often the way to dissipate them quickly. Lean into the loneliness and allow your clever, human mind, to show you what you need. Eat some pudding. Sing some silly carols. Watch crap TV. Embrace the daggy, uninspiring down-time of Christmas and know that you will come out the other side a stronger and more content human being.kiss79172069_87927c

And that makes you far more attractive to your gender of choice. And far more likely to make some fabulous dating decision in the New Year.

May 2017 bring you the companionship, love and/or mind-blowing sex your heart and body desire.

Dear Santa………

Dear Santa,

Me again. Yes I know I said that if you gave me a banging body, a phone that works and a better job that I wouldn’t ask you for anything else but, Santa, you’re killing me with the online dating? What’s the deal with all the duds on there? Are you not filtering anymore? And I hate to grumble but, I’m still waiting on that banging body too please? (OK in the spirit of fairness this may or may not have something to do with all those sugary treats you keep putting in my way.)

This year started off well with zero dates for the first 4 months. I was starting to wonder if you had forgotten about me completely. But then you threw me a bone and gave me a guy with financial problems. This seems to be an ongoing theme this year. Out of 32 dates it’s been a hot money mess. Here’s to show you that for once I’m not exaggerating.

12 tedious first dates

Some of the dates were so boring I had to set my phone alarm up and pretend to rush off to another appointment. How some guys appear witty on line but when you meet them they have nothing to say is a testament to their friends writing their profiles. It may also say something about my penchant for a strong handsome face and not actually reading their profiles beyond their height and star sign?

11 time wasters wasting time

Lateness is the bane of dating. Anything from 20 minutes to no shows have been experienced. Why am I standing outside of a restaurant you may ask? Because I don’t want the wait staff to know that, once again, I potentially have been stood up (see 3). Until you turn up I’m not actually sure that you’re going to make it.

10 poverty piss takers

Apparently it’s OK now for the woman to pay for the whole bill. If he starts to outline his financial woes during the starter then cancel the other two courses and save yourself the bill. This has become such a pandemic that I carry a spare card in my bra.

9 never again’s

Some guys are so heinous that I never want to see them again. Anything from the way they talk about women and their exes to little things they drop about how they view life in general can put one off. Like those that proudly said they voted Leave. I can’t. Let’s just walk away from this date.

8 beggars begging

When they ask you where you live and who you live with it used to be so that they could come around for sex. But now it’s because they want a place to stay for free. Don’t invite them back unless you want to see them mentally measuring up your wardrobe room for their old comics and decks. You are not a storage facility!

7 waste men trying it

The ones trying to get their leg over but have absolutely no intention of dating you. Yes him. They are a growing breed. Don’t fall for the lyrics.

6 liars lying

A helpful hint to all liars out there: Scroll up before you lie and see if you’ve already lied about your age / height / marital status / who you live with. Otherwise you just out yourself as a liar. Sigh. So sloppy.

5 married men!

These ones were all unhappily married though so apparently that’s meant to sway me into thinking a wedding ring not for me is ok. It’s not.  [please note sarcasm American readers]

4 French dates

My best dates were all French Muslims. They turned up on time, they paid for the date (OK all of them were during Ramadan and didn’t involve any alcohol) and they were extremely polite. I’m just not looking for an interfaith relationship. I enjoy being a happy heathen.

3 Stood me ups

Those that just don’t turn up but then are really apologetic afterwards? I know you got a better offer. Just be honest.  Sitting at Bills by myself for 45 – 87 minutes is not cool. That’s how long it takes to get through two starters.

6c55e4567c05d998570d3db88a1371412 couples matched

Whilst unsuccessfully dating myself I did manage to hook up other couples and two seem to be destined to go the distance. Don’t I get tinkerbell points for that or something? Come on!!

And a partner just for me!

Santa, I know you are still working on the last one and you’re just waiting for the madness of 2016 to be over. Can we work together please instead of you and your elves using me for your after work target practise?

Thanks Santa!

Chelsea x

Are the Holidays Bah Humbug [:( ] or Happy [ :) ] for you?

It’s a known fact, how you approach life will impact your experiences and how people experience you.   The holidays present new opportunities to meet new people, especially friends of your close friends.  It is possible that you can meet your soulmate during the holidays, as well.  We are naturally drawn to positive, fun and affirming people.

How do you you think people view you?

Are you warm, approachable, happy, cheerful and positive most of the time?

Or are you a worrier, negative, sad, angry and critical?

We all have stresses in our lives even though we may not show it.

And other times, we wear our hearts on our sleeves, showing our true selves

urlThe holidays is about giving and sharing.  It doesn’t mean we have to be with a romantic partner, although it may be nice to have someone special to share this time of year with.

As you meet new people during the holidays, be aware how others can feel your energy- positive or negative (or your vibes, as some call it) and it does affect how attractive you are to others.  We are not talking about only physical appearance.  It’s what you exude from the inside out.

As a solo how do you keep yourself positive and upbeat when you do meet new people during the holidays?

Here are several strategies that may work for you.  You may try one or them all!

  1. Decide to only hang out with positive and affirming people who care about you and think you are the best.  Do ditch those negative Nellies!
  2. Adopt an abundant mindset. That means there are plenty of great guys (or gals) waiting to meet you!  Coming from a place of scarcity doesn’t serve you.
  3. Find a positive wing person who can help you meet new people and who is a trusted fan of yours. Perhaps it’s time to widen up your face-to-face social network!
  4. Participate in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Try volunteering for a cause that you believe in.  Be with others who are also giving of themselves.
  5. Spend time with your loved ones, be it a parent, elderly relative or a child. They will appreciate your attention and value your time together.

1No matter what, the holidays are time for being with family or close friends.  Instead you may decide to go out of town to take a trip with other singles to meet new people.  If you feel positive about life and yourself, then others will surely be attracted to you.  What most people want is someone they can enjoy life’s experiences with, as well as, be someone who accepts us for who we truly are (the good and the bad).

And the best thing you can do is to focus on what you have to offer to a relationship, and instead of on your deficiencies when you are out to meet new people.   You do deserve to have a loving mate in your life.

Here’s to having a happy, healthy and upbeat holiday season!

With warm wishes,

Coach Amy