7 Dating Resolutions for 2017

We are less than a month away from New Years’ Eve and 2017.  This is often a chance for us to reflect upon what we have learned and what we would like to create going forward.  Many people write out their resolutions but they may not focus in on one area.  If you really want to attract your soul mate in 2017 why not create a series of things you will do to make that relationship more likely to happen.  Here are 7 resolutions I came up with for you (as a psychologist and long-time dating coach) but feel free to amend any and to add ones that are specific to you.

  1. Take Action: Do not just sit home in your jammies waiting for your soulmate to ring your doorbell. Get out there and do the work.  Resolve to join two dating sites (one paid and one free one) and write ten dates a week.  Go to singles events and make a weekly plan of action to meet singles.
  2. Let Go of What Holds You Back: Our past relationship baggage and the limiting beliefs we have about the opposite sex, dating and relationships can hold us back. It is time to clean house.  Write a list of those limiting beliefs and challenge them.  For example, if your limiting belief is, ‘No men want to marry a woman over 35,’ then think of a woman you know who married at 36 +. Think of examples to challenge your old beliefs so that you know what you want is possible.  If a man cheated on you, don’t say, ‘All men are cheaters.’  Instead say, ‘I learned that I want a loyal honest man from that experience and there are men like that out there for me.’
  3. Have a Clear Vision: Create a vision board of the relationship that you DO want. Put up pictures that illustrate the life you want and create a list of the 5-7 essential qualities you want in your mate so that you are clear what you are seeking.
  4. Know Your Worth: Make a list of 20 things that make you a great catch and remember them instead of comparing yourself to women that you feel are more beautiful etcetera.  If you radiate confidence and self-love it will attract others to feel the same way about you.
  5. fireworks-heart-misc-iphone-ipad_729612Reach Out: Make efforts to widen your circles and go outside your comfort zone. Meet new people and let them know that you are looking to meet your soulmate.  Ask folks to set you up.  Go to parties and events, even if you don’t know anyone.  You may meet a great person that way.
  6. Have Great Self Care and Self-Love: Everything you create begins with you, your energy and attractor field.  So, if you give yourself love and good self-care you will feel happier and more relaxed.  You will have energy and love to spare after regularly refueling.  If you speak to yourself lovingly than others will see that you like yourself and you will be less critical of yourself and others when dating.
  7. Be Generous: The holidays are a time for giving.  The more you give love, the more it returns to you.  So, think of creative ways to expand your heart this season.  Perhaps you can volunteer at a nursing home or soup kitchen.  You will feel good about yourself and may even meet some like-minded volunteers.  You can also be generous with your gifts.  If you can sing or draw, volunteer to do so at a nursing home or somewhere it will benefit others.  When you’re doing what you love, you are most attractive and you never know who will walk by and notice.

I wish you a Happy Holiday and much love!

Paulette

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS “THE ONE”

The dream of the great love-the soul-mate- often intensifies around the festive season. With more social functions to attend, we seem to see loved up couples at every turn: somewhat like a woman who is trying to conceive just sees pregnant women everywhere. Christmas is a time when those who are lonely, in whatever manner, and for whatever reason, feel that loneliness more intensely. Sadly, this is the season when deaths increase sharply, particularly suicide, and when family breakdown is most likely to occur.

Where we ever got the idea that it’s a season of fun and frivolity, is anyone’s guess!

And those of us on dating sites notice an increase in new members: both the recently single and the suddenly lonely.

Most of them are desperately scrambling to get laid for the festive season or pick up a date for New Year’s Eve. At first glance this influx might be seen as an opportunity: new faces mean an increase in the chance that M/S Right might be amongst them. And a NYE date WOULD be a nice idea…

But beware. The chronically lonely do make good dating or even good sexual, material. And loneliness is not, ironically, a good starting point for finding love or companionship Loneliness in itself is no bad thing: in fac58403d222bfba400551961t it is biologically essential. Recent research in this area has shown this. Humans are the most social of animals. The company of others is vital to survival. Loneliness, like pain, is an indicator; a warning signal. When we feel that which we call loneliness, it is our bodies and brains telling us that we need more of the social company of others of our species. So seeking to alleviate that feeling does not make us pathetic or needy: we are doing what millennia of biological hard-wiring has taught us to do.

The problems occur when we overlay this feeling with cultural narratives. Often, when a single person starts to “feel the feels”, they immediately interpret that as meaning “Find a guy/woman.” “Get into a relationship. “ “Have sex immediately.” Humans are notoriously bad at figuring out what will make them happy.

Sex is particularly troublesome in this regard, as it can feel so instantly comforting. And it can also feel like closeness and intimacy. But we know that, although it CAN be all those things, there is little guarantee. And in the casual arena, it is rarely those things.

I’m certainly not eschewing the casual shag: if you are just horny, or in need of some skin-on- skin, then go get ‘em tiger! No judgements here. Tie some tinsel on it if you like and Merry Christmas to you. Just don’t take the casual, festive shag as being the love of your life. And don’t expect it to assuage your loneliness. We can all get very reactive around the festive season: it hits all kinds of nerves and triggers all manner of old, unpleasant, stuff. It can be difficult to even name our own feelings. So it’s quite understandable that we should grab hold of instant comfort in the form of a date. Sadly, though, the casual hook-up is very likely to make us feel worse in the long-run. It has a come-down just the way alcohol and other drugs do.

So possibly what us lonely singletons need to do this season is to take some space. Although it can feel horridly uncomfortable to sit with bad feelings, this is often the way to dissipate them quickly. Lean into the loneliness and allow your clever, human mind, to show you what you need. Eat some pudding. Sing some silly carols. Watch crap TV. Embrace the daggy, uninspiring down-time of Christmas and know that you will come out the other side a stronger and more content human being.kiss79172069_87927c

And that makes you far more attractive to your gender of choice. And far more likely to make some fabulous dating decision in the New Year.

May 2017 bring you the companionship, love and/or mind-blowing sex your heart and body desire.

Dear Santa………

Dear Santa,

Me again. Yes I know I said that if you gave me a banging body, a phone that works and a better job that I wouldn’t ask you for anything else but, Santa, you’re killing me with the online dating? What’s the deal with all the duds on there? Are you not filtering anymore? And I hate to grumble but, I’m still waiting on that banging body too please? (OK in the spirit of fairness this may or may not have something to do with all those sugary treats you keep putting in my way.)

This year started off well with zero dates for the first 4 months. I was starting to wonder if you had forgotten about me completely. But then you threw me a bone and gave me a guy with financial problems. This seems to be an ongoing theme this year. Out of 32 dates it’s been a hot money mess. Here’s to show you that for once I’m not exaggerating.

12 tedious first dates

Some of the dates were so boring I had to set my phone alarm up and pretend to rush off to another appointment. How some guys appear witty on line but when you meet them they have nothing to say is a testament to their friends writing their profiles. It may also say something about my penchant for a strong handsome face and not actually reading their profiles beyond their height and star sign?

11 time wasters wasting time

Lateness is the bane of dating. Anything from 20 minutes to no shows have been experienced. Why am I standing outside of a restaurant you may ask? Because I don’t want the wait staff to know that, once again, I potentially have been stood up (see 3). Until you turn up I’m not actually sure that you’re going to make it.

10 poverty piss takers

Apparently it’s OK now for the woman to pay for the whole bill. If he starts to outline his financial woes during the starter then cancel the other two courses and save yourself the bill. This has become such a pandemic that I carry a spare card in my bra.

9 never again’s

Some guys are so heinous that I never want to see them again. Anything from the way they talk about women and their exes to little things they drop about how they view life in general can put one off. Like those that proudly said they voted Leave. I can’t. Let’s just walk away from this date.

8 beggars begging

When they ask you where you live and who you live with it used to be so that they could come around for sex. But now it’s because they want a place to stay for free. Don’t invite them back unless you want to see them mentally measuring up your wardrobe room for their old comics and decks. You are not a storage facility!

7 waste men trying it

The ones trying to get their leg over but have absolutely no intention of dating you. Yes him. They are a growing breed. Don’t fall for the lyrics.

6 liars lying

A helpful hint to all liars out there: Scroll up before you lie and see if you’ve already lied about your age / height / marital status / who you live with. Otherwise you just out yourself as a liar. Sigh. So sloppy.

5 married men!

These ones were all unhappily married though so apparently that’s meant to sway me into thinking a wedding ring not for me is ok. It’s not.  [please note sarcasm American readers]

4 French dates

My best dates were all French Muslims. They turned up on time, they paid for the date (OK all of them were during Ramadan and didn’t involve any alcohol) and they were extremely polite. I’m just not looking for an interfaith relationship. I enjoy being a happy heathen.

3 Stood me ups

Those that just don’t turn up but then are really apologetic afterwards? I know you got a better offer. Just be honest.  Sitting at Bills by myself for 45 – 87 minutes is not cool. That’s how long it takes to get through two starters.

6c55e4567c05d998570d3db88a1371412 couples matched

Whilst unsuccessfully dating myself I did manage to hook up other couples and two seem to be destined to go the distance. Don’t I get tinkerbell points for that or something? Come on!!

And a partner just for me!

Santa, I know you are still working on the last one and you’re just waiting for the madness of 2016 to be over. Can we work together please instead of you and your elves using me for your after work target practise?

Thanks Santa!

Chelsea x

This Year Give The Gift Of You!

You are your best Christmas gift to yourself!

One of the most significant tenets I teach, is that everything that comes TO you comes FROM you. If you are lonely, sad, desperate, then that is what is going to come back to you. If you are solid, relaxed, welcoming, woman-relaxing-chair-front-christmas-tree-28045680and happy, then that is also what you will attract and invite into your life.

It is a CHOICE that you make.

Understanding this concept can be difficult (I know it was for me) especially around the holidays. This is the time for family, friends, and loved ones to be by your side and wishing you all the joyous happiness of the season.

But what if you are not fortunate enough to have all of these people at you side? What if you are intolerably and terribly ALONE?!? What then?

Being single around the holidays can be off putting to say the least. It can be downright depressing and thoughts of despair can take over. You wonder if this is to be your future. Crying in a corner surrounded by empty Schnapps bottles (a truly poor choice) watching ridiculous reality shows until you simply shrivel up and die.

Is that what you want? I believe the answer to that is a resounding “NO!”

I have been in this predicament my friend. I was alone for many a holiday season after a terrible divorce that left me shriveled and sad. It took me awhile to come to grips with what it all meant. Once I figured out that wallowing in self pity wasn’t attracting me the women I wanted into my life, I decided to try something else.

I set out to fix ME! I decided was time to find out what I was doing wrong and turn it around. To become the best MAN I could be and conquer this loneliness specter once and for all.

I read books, I watched films, I took classes and trained in various forms of self help and mind expanding therapies. I studied the dating gurus, and positive thinkers of all stripes. If it sounded weird and woo woo, I would still give it a shot. I was truly OPEN to anything that would make me feel better.

After all my searching and study, I discovered one very important thing. I had all the tools I needed to become a strong and confident MAN within me. I just hadn’t known how to use them.

(Note: I write this directed mainly towards men as that is my primary audience, but the principals are universal and will work for you regardless of your orientation.)

Once you stop being a victim of the world and DECIDE you are now in control of your destiny and happiness, you will find a serenity that you have not known before. You will absolutely know that everything will be alright, regardless of outcomes.

By this I mean that, the world will throw shit at you from all sides. That is just reality. It is up to you what will stick to you and what will bounce right off of you.

The more that bounces off of you, the happier you will be.

Prime example. You are alone for the Christmas season. Going to a friend’s house just doesn’t seem appealing to you right now. It is a reminder of what you once had and maybe it is too soon for you to get festive. It may be a very sad time and you don’t feel like verging on tears from loss the whole time. Not the most appealing yuletide facade. I have definitely been there.

Or you may not feel particularly sad and lonely. Maybe you are in a place that I can only call Numblandia. You don’t really feel anything really. I was there for quite awhile as well. It can be a perilous time.

Regardless of where you are on the emotional wheel of fortune, take comfort in knowing that YOU are in control. If you have to cry, cry. If you have to wail and moan, do it in a pillow. Trust me, neighbors will call the cops…

But once that emotional release is over. Get to work on an actual plan to change your life for the better. Don’t wait for a New Year’s resolution. That shit never works. Seriously, which one have you ever stuck with?

No, make a real commitment to YOU. Remember the prophetic words of Queen – “I want it all, I want it now!”

This year give yourself the gift of learning how to use your innate tools to grow a better YOU!

Start by treating yourself well this year. Take yourself out for Christmas. Go to a restaurant you have always wanted to try. Sit at the bar for a Happy Hour and enjoy yourself. Chat up new people from a different perspective. Refuse to talk about sad things. Toast to the new you. Ju10-ways-for-mum-to-relax-at-christmasst be sure to Uber home.

Or stay at home and cook up your very own holiday bird or a big fat juicy steak! Whatever makes you feel that you are celebrating. Because you are! You have made a decision to stop being sad.

Will it happen immediately? Probably not. But it will lessen as you make the decision to stop being sad and lonely. It is like a muscle you are learning to use again after much atrophy.

I remember a huge catalyst in my recovery was taking a road trip up the Pacific Coast Highway from L.A. up to Portland. It was just me. I slept in my car and woke to walk the beaches all along the way. I was not just alone, I was UTTERLY alone. No wifi, no smart phone, just me and the world.

What I learned was that you can be alone but not lonely. When you are open to the world and can actually take the time to see all the beauty that surrounds you, a different perspective comes to mind. You see that your hurt, your loneliness all comes from inside you.

The more you succumb to the pain of solitude the more it will intensify. But the more you see that the world is a friendly loving place, the more you will be okay with whatever supposed pain comes your way.

In the holiday rough patch that so many people can fall prey to, do something different for yourself. Be extraordinary. Be open to possibilities.

Treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one. Because you are loved. You deserve to be loved. By YOU. If you do not love yourself, then who will love you?

Remember, everything that comes TO you comes FROM you. Love yourself and others will to.

This year give yourself the gift of a brand new open and expanding YOU! One that is welcoming, not afraid of solitude and a chance to improve. Celebrate all that you have achieved so far and the promise and possibility of all that you have to offer to the world. So that when a woman finds you, you will be ready for her.

Because, believe me, when you have done the work, have made yourself ready, and SHE comes into your life, it can be one wonderfully awesome and crazy whirlwind of happy!

I am living proof.

Be your gift to you this year. Change your life to one of abundance and happiness, light and laughter. Because there is so much you miss when you are looking down.

7 Ways to Find Love During the Christmas Holidays

Brace yourselves, Christmas is coming.

For some people this is the most beautiful time of the year. They can’t wait to spend Christmas Eve with their loved ones. They can’t wait to sit in front of the chimney and whisper “I love you” into the ear of the person they love the most.

There is one thing that these people have in common. They are all in a relationship. Seriously, I don’t know anyone who is in a happy relationship and who doesn’t look forward to the Christmas holidays.

On the other hand, I also don’t know anyone who is single who looks forward to this time of the year. I mean, let’s be honest. It sucks to be single at Christmas. No matter if you switch on the TV or if you leave your apartment, you are surrounded by happy couples.

But don’t worry. Don’t give up on the thought that you can experience a wonderful holiday time. There are still a lot of things you can do and some of them can actually lead you into the arms of your dream partner.

 

  1. Meet People in the Big Shopping Malls

If you want to meet someone, you should go to places with a lot of people. It should be obvious that the chance to find your special someone is higher when you talk to twenty people instead of two people.

And where are the most people at this time of the year?

They are in the big shopping malls.

It’s the beginning of December. People are slowly starting to search for the perfect present for their parents and siblings. Go to one of the big malls and make eye contact with someone you like while you pretend to look for a present. This is the most natural way to meet someone during the Christmas holidays.

 

  1. Go on a Single Vacation

Are you afraid that you have to spend Christmas Eve with your grumpy uncle Carl and your nosy mother who asks you about your relationship life?

You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.

I promise you that an adventurous single vacation will be way more exciting for you. Come on, fly to a tropical island and have a great time with other singles. And who knows, you might meet the love of your life on this trip.

 

  1. red-gift-of-loveMeet People at Christmas Theme Parties

Everyone thinks that the Christmas holidays are a terrible time for singles, but that’s not true. It’s only terrible if you don’t leave the house. If you, however, go to an exciting Christmas theme party, it this time of the year can be unforgettable.

I don’t know any big club that doesn’t offer special Christmas parties. Just go there with a smile and a Santa hat and you will meet more amazing people than you can possibly imagine.

 

  1. Have a Crazy Time in a Ski Resort

Ski resorts are well known for crazy parties. Everyone who has ever been to an après-ski event knows what I’m talking about. The combination of fun music and delicious mulled wine can easily lead to unforgettable party nights.

And don’t worry. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know how to ski. The only thing that matters is that you know how to have a great time.

 

  1. Try Online Dating During the Christmas Holidays

Do you really think that you are the only one who is lonely during this time of the year?

Of course not!

There are millions of people who hate the through that they have to spend the Christmas holidays alone. And thanks to all the romantic Christmas movies, the majority of these people feel ten times lonelier than they felt four weeks prior.

Some of them hope to meet the partner of their dreams in one of the biggest malls, while others are smart enough to sign up on an online dating site where they can meet singles who all have the same problem.

Everyone who is single is afraid to spend this time alone. And even more people join online dating sites right after Christmas. You can believe me when I say that this is the easiest time of the year to meet people online.

 

  1. Last-Minute Shopping for Love

I love to observe people and one thing that I observed is that when it comes to choosing Christmas presents, couples shop different than singles.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but when you are a in a relationship, you usually walk around the city looking for presents with your partner. And you usually do it at least one week before Christmas Eve. You enjoy walking around, holding hands and looking at all the nice things you can buy.

As a single you do it a bit different. Shopping alone is boring and that’s why you procrastinate until it is nearly too late. You then go one day before Christmas Eve.

What’s the moral of the story?

If you go shopping right before Christmas Eve, you have the best chance to meet a lot of singles.

 

  1. 6a00d8341cc64553ef00e54f83524a8834-800wiGo to Christmas Events in Your Social Circle

Of course there’s also an alternative to meeting the love of your life during a last-minute shopping trip. This alternative is your social circle.

I am sure that you have good friends who would love to hang out at the Christmas market or spend some time drinking mulled wine at their homes. And I am also sure that a lot of them have attractive friends who they could invite.

Believe it or not but an evening with your friends can easily lead to a romantic first date.

A New Perspective on Being Single for the Holidays

The holidays bring out the happiest of couples; snuggling by the fire, wearing silly Christmas sweaters, and spreading Christmas joy. I’ve seen this type of love with my parents and always longed for the day to come when I too would be with someone on the holidays.

I’ve wondered what it would be like to kiss under the mistletoe, exchangelivvyland-blog-olivia-watson-austin-texas-fashion-blogger-kissing-under-mistletoe-holiday-photo-engagement-save-the-date-idea-kayla-snell-photography-villa-del-lago-2 heartfelt presents and listen to Christmas carols while decorating the tree. Six months ago, I met someone who I thought I would experience all of this with and I was excited about the possibility. I finally was going to know what it was like to hold a hand when it gets cold out, or make hot cocoa with, or even make a snowman with when fresh white snow hit the ground.

Our relationship was long distance, but that didn’t stop me from driving miles to see him for only an hour. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about how the drive would be worth it, and how this distance would make our relationship stronger. Since I’m the one with the car, I always planned the trips, putting his ease and comfort before mine. Never did he show his appreciation for my efforts, nor did he try and plan to visit me.

Shortly after playing a romantic Christmas movie love scene in my head, I discovered that my fantasy thoughts covered up the reality of the who he actually was in our relationship. The man with kind-eyes, a heartfelt smile, and a comforting hug ended up being a boy who turned his head the other way when faced with a problem, and avoided to confront me with tears trickling down my red cheeks. I soon began to realize that at first I would have done anything to make sure I saw him, but when no effort was put in on the other side, my perfect Christmas romance with him began to fade.

Lack of problems solved meant conversations with him soon began to feel forced, as if teeth were being pulled just to get a one-word answer. It was either that, or any serious conversation would be masked with a joke.

My once fluttering, excited heart began to beat anxiously. I felt afraid to make conversation for the fear of us fighting again and repeating the same pattern. Would he try to laugh it off or just ignore me when I told him I was shaking in nerves? Never could we talk about holiday plans again.

Friends of mine asked me if I was content. I let out a small smile with a shrug, thinking that would be enough to prove I was doing well. Luckily, the friends I have saw the pool filling up in my eyes, and talked to me for hours trying to figure out what was wrong. For the first time in months, the clouds in my head dissipated and I saw a clear path ahead of me.

Just shy of Thanksgiving, I ended what was left of the disintegrating relationship. I wound up struggling with the thought of confrontation, but breaking it off when I did proved to be the right decision. The intense heart pounding and violent hand shaking was gone. A genuine smile appeared on my face for the first time since I got asked to be his girlfriend.

He made it hard for me to see a future together. I couldn’t even imagine cuddling up on the couch and watching classic Christmas movies anymore. The holidays are supposed to be the most magical and most wonderful time of the year, I wasn’t going to let a failing relationship stop me from enjoying it.

Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean it’s a healthy one. I’ve learned that from first-hand experience, and it made me realize that I don’t need a boyfriend to make me smile, or comfort me when I go through a hard time. If the relationship isn’t making life easier for you, then there’s no point in moving on with it.

That’s why this holiday, I’m grateful for the friends and family that I have. They helped me realize that just because Christmas and New Years can be spent with a significant other, doesn’t mean they have to be. Holidays are supposed to be spent with your loved ones, my family and my friends are those special people in my life.big-teddy-bear-for-valentines-day-10-giant

From my heart yearning to my heart breaking, I learned that there’s nothing wrong with cuddling up with my teddy bear, drinking hot chocolate and watching Netflix by myself if it means I can move on with a positive mindset and a new-found wisdom. For the longest time, I felt as if I’ve missed the experiences of being a couple during the holidays, but I know now that it’s okay to be single during this time of year, and I’m ready for a season full of self-joy.

By Kayla Garritano, Contributor for CupidsPulse.com